There's a reason for my chosen title... Where I begin is a tough one, but I'll give it a shot.
Something I realised earlier was that I felt strange. I know why now; I'm happy.
This sounds odd, I know that. Put bluntly, I've practically wished myself dead for over a year now. The reasons I won't give, but trust me, to be in my head has been the worst thing.
They say you hit bottom, then it's just one way up... Well, I can prove that right entirely. Two weeks ago, I was fucked up. I nearly cut myself several times, even wished I would just collapse dead. Life didn't seem worth it.
It wasn't anything to do with my uni or friends or anything like that. I love it here, in fact I think I may love it here too much for my own good! I can't quite justify why all that happened, but I can say that it was my bottom. I've been on an upward hill since, and I actually feel myself again. For once, life doesn't feel like a necessity; I've started living in the moment, and I've stopped wishing everything away.
To say that I'm going to be absolutely fine tomorrow after everything that's happened, I'd be lying. Obviously I'm going to have my bad days, no matter how much I want everything to go back to normal. I've lost some people, gained others, everything's a bit muddled and I'm going to miss certain things, but hey, that's life.
Another problem is my weight issue... For the last three years, I've suffered dramatically. I count calories, I get scared of fat, and, yes, I still suffer with that. A couple of weeks ago, I was eating a maximum of 900 calories. Thankfully, I had the sense to tell my mate what was going on, so she's been a star and has kept an eye on me.
I know for a fact they're gonna have to shout at me some days, this has been the hardest battle I've ever fought. The one person who really helped me left, so I'm left fighting alone, and, in all honesty, it sucks. However, the other day, something weird happened... I ate cake, and felt no guilt! I was so proud of myself for that - it's been three years since I've felt properly guilt-free! Accepting myself in my own skin is something I'm trying to do, with a little bit of success for once. One day, I will be at a happy weight, and it will be amazing to feel comfortable in myself again.
So, in all, life is looking up. I feel better about my life issues, I feel better about living life, and I feel better in my skin. This weirdness of actually beginning to feel happiness again is almost discomforting, purely because I'm not used to it anymore. A year is a long time to feel low all the time, thinking about suicide nearly everyday (feels horrible to write, but it's the cold, hard truth). I'm not going to say it's all down to moving away and starting fresh, although I know that's a massive part of it - what keeps me going is the incredible base of people around me.
I intended to make this half a shout-out, and here it is: To everyone who has stood by me, everyone who's helped me (even the ones who were only there for a part of it), everyone who's standing by my side now, friends old and new, thank you. Thank you so much. I am forever in your debt - if it wasn't for you guys, I could go as far as saying I probably would be dead. To my true friends who've stood by me when I've been a strain, without you, I would be nothing. I will never be able to repay all you've done for me.
Thank you everyone, thank you world. I love you all.
